TALES - SPIN!!!

Well , as I begin this write up..i am happy as well as sad!

Happy because my MS Exams are , finally, over ( ..after 3 months of endurance, where we battled it out with bailey, sabiston, maingot, fisher, das, saha,…the list just goes on and on…day after day till it dawned upon us ...ki yaar MOUNTAIN DEW was absolutely right- ‘darr ke aage hi.. jeet hai!!’ its just that we were autistic enough not to understand the wisdom behind those golden lines…. As for the practs, only-‘ seedhi baat, baaki all bakwas’ earned us great accolades and we realised the huge potential that these ads have;-).kudos to SPRITE for showing us the way…MS Gen Surgery students from kem will always be thankful to these cold drink giants for making these insensible ads, but with sensible lines!!!

Sad because the good ole days at KEMH are finally over…it takes time for the reality to seep in, but when it does it’s the most awful, terrible, appalling, and dreadful feeling ,ever ! Simply put..i just love KEMH..the buildings, trees, katta, lib, my ward, my unit, my room and all my UG n PG friends, not to mention the mamas, mausis, nurses and the office staff too! Those sweet ”Hi’s” and “Good Mornings”…and a few more wonderful smiles per hour.. I will miss them all…!!! And as I prepare to vacate my room, I feel that I m parting with the ‘best’ piece of my life!!!
So I ve decided that in this article I ll pen down a few of those wonderful weird things that I observed during my heydays here….

This one s called- CONSERVATION OF RESOURCES!!
(at the outset itself let me declare that this one s not about Pramod and Pritam and Sambhaji has not revealed it!)
As the story goes …two of our eminent radio residents ( rank 1 syndrome as I call it) decided to conserve all their energies prior to the exams coz according to them this would enhance their performance (..in the exams!!..kuch bhi sochte ho tum log ,yaar..dirty minds!!) so they would not talk to each other ( inspite of being roomies) and would sit in the same position with their books all day long! amazing! guys I ve never seen this degree of determination in anyone in our esteemed institute(Anup tamhankar is a close second, will reveal his secrets too…later in this article!). So what I would suggest them is that guys you can still go a step higher and enhance your feat by following a few simple steps-
1]wanna save more time and energy, then start yourselves on TPN(total parenteral nutrition)..this way your gut will have to expend no energy in digestion, absorption, assimilation and egestion of foodstuffs that u consume, plus it will rest your muscles of mastication as well. this way the post prandial diversion of blood supply to the stomach is also prevented and you can selectively shunt the whole of it to the brain!(brain storming!..as I call it)
2]what, still wanna save more time. Ok.. in order to prevent time lost in traversing all the way to the loo and back..better is to start yourselves on CRRT( continuous renal replacement therapy) this will take care of all your waste products of metabolism(nitrogenous as well as non nitrogenous) and I guarantee that you ll never miss the loo!!! Cool na..ek IJV se TPN aur doosre side se CRRT! Fresh calories per hour..both IN and OUT!
3] Oh! You two re loving it kya..aur yeh dil maange more ! Theek hai..one, last one( bcoz after this I ll start charging you..sab kuchh free mein chahiye!) You can hire someone to carry you around, to the exam centre( so that you can peacefully read on the way..!). This person should also do TEPID SPONGING twice a day and brush your teeth once a day and switch on and off the lights and the fan as you say! So cool, all your basic needs ve been taken care of(ok, ok..the one you re complaining about is not a basic need, therefore im not buying the point!..coz it is classified as a desire and im not allowed to discuss it here..get that you two!) and you guys can now chill! All the best for the exams!(rank1 se bhi behtar koi rank laana..dudes!)


The next one s called- UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH RANK 1.
(at the outset itself let me declare that this one s not about Anup and his roomie has not spilled the beans!)
Being a room partner to a rank 1 is truly an arduous task..and being in such a demanding position for the last 3 yrs doesn’t help your cause in any way! His needs and demands re often above the roof..
....maine to sirf Bailey, Sabiston, Schwartz, Fischer, Maingot, Shakelford, CSDT, ASI textbook of surgery, Cockett and Dodd, Cuschierie, Surgical clinics of North America, Devita, Das, Saha, Sam D,AKG, Jagad, Smith’s urology, Campbell, Stell and Maran, Bhattacharya..bas itne hi books padha hai.. itne mein kaam chal jayega?.. nahin na.. shit yaar aaj kal mein kitne kam books padh raha hu(..woh to dikh hi raha hai!)..arre tere paas aur koi book hai kya!
….aaj tu mere ward ka round lega kya, mujhe zara lib mein imp kaam hai(..sabko pata hai ki lib mein kya kaam karta hai!dost!)
…aaj mere shaadi ki saalgirah hai aur biwi bhi aayi hai to zara mera emerg sambhaal lena( ..aur moron apni biwi ke saath poora din kahan spend kiya..lib mein!!Biwi ne movie jaane ka zikar kiya to apna hero snobbed her so badly that uske baad …)
…lib ke bahar khade hokar phone pe… haan madam, abhi mein ward ke bahar hu..subah se saare pts ka round(read as books..) liya hai( lib mein baithe baithe hi?..waah, telementoring ka zamaana hai bhai!!). everythings fine ma’am..you need not worry!(in fact the other day when he actually went to the ward, the pts thought that a new doc had joined this unit…a brief testimony to the amount of time spent in taking rounds!)
..his STATEMENT of the year- do not write on white matter(pages of the book), but store the info directly in gray matter as I do!)


….next-this one s called …STRONG DC!
(at the outset itself let me declare that this one s not about Donald and his Co has not provided me with info of any sorts!)
Once upon a time in India, a patient had come to the emergency department of ‘a’ hospital with pneumothorax on the right side! Apna don was the one who noticed that the patient was symptomatic and so needed an ICD insertion.. so strong that he was.. he took a chest tube and an ICD insertion tray and shoved it in….but on the left side!! Then he realized his folly, so he removed the tube and reinserted it, now, on the other side!!! And he didn’t stop at that… told the patient that x ray ulta tha toh aisa ho gaya..waah!wah bhai wah!


…the next one is about the ones whom I fear the most.. and I call it…A GELUSIL MOMENT!!!
(at the outset itself let me declare that this one s not about Shruti , and Anup was not her tormentor!)
..i had a weary day returned back to my room..had my food and then retired to bed! I was pretty sure that I would ve a good night s sleep, when suddenly…trrring trrring.. AT s phone rang! He picked up the phone and found his beloved gynaec reg on the other side!...
GR-“ arre, tum logon ne patient ka appendectomy kiya aur phir hamaare side transfer kyun kiya?”
AT-“ tumne patient ka salpingectomy kiya ectopic pregnancy ke liye, to tumhaare side pe hona chahiye na patient ko!”
GR-“…lekin uska appendix to tumne nikala aur bowels bhi handle kiya hai..i cannot manage this pt on my side!”
AT-“…kuch bhi kya, humne uska appendix nahi nikala.. bas dekh ke chod diya coz it was lookin normal!”
GR-“..accha accha, jus incision liya..appendix dhoonda ..hi bolke , chod diya!... to specimen kahan se aaya test tube mein?”
AT-“kisi doosre pt ka hoga..mujhe nahi pata par humne appendix nahi nikala hai…!!”
GR-“..nikala hai..!!!”
AT-“ nahi..”
GR-“haan..”
AT-“nahi..”
GR-“nikala..”
AT-“nahi…”
This continued all night… in fact they were yelling so loudly that I could hear their voices outside as well… he was on the third floor and she, first floor!!
Waise, the pt s appendix had been removed ,actually, by the over enthu first yr resident( his cutting na!) though this was not a part of the plan! That’s why AT didn’t kno bout it!! And though the ladies von gynaec happen to be the focus of our jokes ,most of the times…this time though GR was right!!poor gal!


….this one s a fond dedication and its called…OPTHAL CALL!
(at the outset itself let me declare that this one s not about Yogesh , and all the calls that he wrote were genuine!)
Every year freshers arrive and then the hunt begins…
…whose tat gal? wow, kitni cute hai! Kaunse dept ki hai pata karo…
…arre have u seen the sweet lil thing in peds? nahi?...... Phir life mein kiya kya..!!
…woh surg mein jo nayi ladki aayi hai, suna hai uska just break up hua hai! Use emotional support ki jaroorat hai, to…main hoon na!
Well, well.. all these are pretty natural stuff.. hota rehta hai.. but humne kya kiya..read on..
Apna Pappu ( this term had been coined by me for my first year resident!!..and now it’s a tradition! I m happy!) worked in the wards all day,but for some reason seemed sad..ekdum dukhi dukhi types!! Baad mein pata chala ki he liked those two pretty gals in Opthal!! So we thought of a way to bring back the smile on his face!...and that’s how Opthal calls started!
Since they were two.. these gals were on call alternate day!! So everyday pappu would sit down and write..(kabhi kabhi to adv mein bhi likhke rakhta tha..bhool gaya to???)
To , the opthal reg on call..
Kindly call over to assess pt Devdas c/o DM foot with decrease in acuity of vision to r/o changes of background diabetic retinopathy.
( I had 12 DM pts at any given point of time and multiple pts could be assessed simultaneously , but still pappu sent one call everyday!!! Phir pupils dilate karne ke baad , ek aur call.. Pappu ki to aish ho gayi!)
.. in fact he liked the idea so much that it soon spilled over to ENT calls as well( haan, even ent possessed a sweet lil thing…) soon all head injury patients had their ENT assessment done, irrespective of whether they had an injury to the face/nose/nasal bleed or not!!! Even the pt of a road traffic accident with injuries to the lower limbs and torso found his call worded as follows…
To the ENT reg on call,
Kindly call over and assess pt Raj Dholakia, c/o RTA with nasal trauma and severe nasal bleed ? csf rhinorrhoea and advise regarding further management..
…so that’s how my Pappu found the missing link and life was back on track…full of mirth, delight and glee!


….this one was a surprise to me too, I call it- SWITCHING PLACES!!
(at the outset itself let me declare that this one s not about Pankya , and a high stoma means a high output stoma and nothing else!)
…it was a very heavy emerg and the surg reg was having a difficult time! Already 5 explorations were waiting and Fournier s gangrene, debridement and amputation ka to mela hi laga tha! So when this poor pt with a small ulcer on his right foot came to the ESR, the reg was at his wits end…totally bugged that he was … he assessed the wound and then said..
“Zakhm bahut gehara hai aur iske wajah se poore sharir par bahut asar hua hai.. aapko sandaas theek se hota hai kya?”
To which the pt replied..” nahi saab 3 din se nahi hua.. aur bich bich mein pet bhi dukhta hai!”
The reg replies…” haan wohi toh, bahut bura asar hua hai sharir pe.. aapka abhi urgent operation karke sandaas ka jagah yahaan (..pointing towards the post triangle of the neck!!! Can you beat that!!) pe nikaalna padega!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????”
The flummoxed pt didn’t know what to do..just mumbled ki “main to sirf pair dikhane aaya tha aur pet ka opn kyun?!”
“Arre baba doctor aap ho ki main, kaunsa opn jyaada jaroori hai yeh aap hum par chod do”.. the reg said!
Bewildered, the pt mutter ed… “mujhe zara apne sage walon se baat karni hai, phir batata hu..and went outside, ….never to be seen in the vicinity of the ….again!”
Another story of sorts was that a seropositive pt(a young guy) got admitted to the ward n the med reg was really bugged.. actually the pt didn’t merit an admission but he refused to go home.. toh ab kya?
So when his parents and relatives paid him a visit..the reg said-“ Beta, Mummy ko bolu kya? Bata du!!! Mujhe lagta hai batana chahiye… akele akele kaise treatment karoge.. bata deta hu..”
….20 mins later, the pt had taken DAMA!


..as I end this post the last(and the only REAL incident) one s called KYA TIMING HAI!!!
(at the outset itself let me declare that this one s not about ME , and if destiny wants you to pay the bill, you will!)
…..i was never a miser but Prachi and Devyani always thought otherwise(poor me, na!!). and for some reason they always wanted me to give a party( ..cutting tum karo aur party mein du! Wah!) so one fine day they caught hold of me and took me to the restaurant in front of kemh. The clause was that they would order as much as they liked and I would foot the bill…yes slowly the order arrived..one dish after another.. veg platter, veg tikkas, hongkong fried rice, gobi Manchurian, veg jalfrezi, laccha parathas, rumali roti,fruit salad, gadbad ice cream… (needless to say, I was wondering what the bill would look like!)suddenly out of nowhere RRS sir arrived on the scene.. the place beside me was empty and sir sat beside me and ordered an American chopsuey! We all shared all that we had ordered..and finally the bill arrived and before I could do anything , sir had already given his credit card! I could see two red faced gals staring at me..[Prachi still holds a grudge against me till date, but main kya karu yaar!!ok prachi chill! I promise that I ll treat u guys to lunch and a movie too..and you know that(just get me that NOC from SP and you ve the treat,gal!)! He he!]
All I can say is..sometimes luck comes walkin by..so always stare at the door and keep the seat beside you..EMPTY, when in a restaurant!

DISCLAIMER- All the events expressed by the author are a figment of his imagination..any kind of resemblance to anyone or anything, living or dead, is purely co incidental!! Also the author cannot be held responsible for any of his comments!