My Best Gift.....!!!

Gift-(v)(adj) present, souvenir, reward, award, donation, offering, endowment (synonyms).

An integral part of our lives in this field of medicine revolves around medical representatives( MRs) and the services that they offer(…er, don’t get me wrong..not those services!! Kuch bhi!! I mean the support services that they offer..!!???) They come after you, wait for you, call for you, hoot for you and lots more.. all for one cause..
Sir, plz write my product!
And then the bribery starts…

I remember when I was a first year resident in Gen Surgery, one particular MR would always come up and say- Sir plz write my product and I will provide you with couple tickets for any show wherever you want!!! To be frank nothing pisses me off more than being offered couple tickets when- one, im still single;-) and two, when even the rat in my ward knows that a first yr resident in surg does not step beyond gate no 2 for an year!!! Huh..movie tickets anyone!

Another MR always used to come with some lucky draw coupons and tickets.. Sir I just need your name and phone no and I would put them in the lucky draw where you stand a chance to win a car (once toh he said Shirt! And I was like, waah aaj kal shirt ke liye bhi lucky draw hone lage!)..blah blah!!I would rather have someone fund the fuel of my car and foot my phone bills instead! Duh!

MR s are also very sensitive to the general condition and the atmosphere prevailing around you at any given point of time! So when Anup ( AnupTamhankar-the golden boy of kemh and my roomie and my best friend!!) tied the knot with Tanu, in the first year itself, the spectrum of gifts he received changed over to include crockery sets, pillow covers, bedsheets, make up kits, wall hangings(..wow..!!) .. while we were subjected to the same old pens and diaries and books!!! Smart!! Early marriage does have its perks after all….

Another one of my Pappus who was an alprazolam addict had loads and loads of Restyl being gifted to him every opd …and soon it was flowing over in my wards as well …with every patient now having Restyl, the night before surgery ..thus replacing the age old diazepam after a long time!! Diazepam could finally rest in peace!

As for the orthopaedic guys…. Their gifts always included a generous amount of booze! Sir, we re holding a party at Hotel Ramee Guestline at Dadar from 8.30 pm tonight. Please be there with all your friends ( thankfully they never invited the WAGs, else the divorce/ break up rates would peak after every such party.. and after a very good demonstration of the synergistic effect of alcohol and dim light and trance music!!). I was surprised to see the first year residents attending the parties when we surg residents couldn’t go beyond the laxman rekha! It was then that I understood what the real state of affairs were.. these poor pappu s were roped in as drivers and they had to load their luggage( read as heavily inebriated and drunk seniors!!) into the cars and get them safely back to the hostel at the end of the party! Poor guys….tsk tsk!

And talking of gifts how can I forget the friendly lab on the other side of the road opposite KEMH?? ( They always cared for our health, didn’t they???)You could order for anything under the Sun and it would be delivered straight to your room!! And the list was indeed extensive… pendrives, computer speakers, cricket bat, table tennis ka net, the ICU manual, chit chat internet connection ka bill, yearly subscription to the national geographic or femina or debonair ( your choice, it’s a democratic world out here!! He he!!), dish tv, akai ka tv and of course pizzas(dominos, mamma mia, garcias, pizza hut, etc). plus the fact that these good people never distinguished between residents and interns and so both could avail of the benefits!

Thus the MRs do their best to keep everyone happy.. the only ones who were left unhappy at the end of all this were our beloved brethren-the radiologists and anaesthesiologists! For three years I have patiently listened to them voice their resentment and unhappiness of not being approached by these happiness providers aka MRs…..so Sam, Aaks, Durgu.. if you guys happen to be reading this article, let me remind you guys that you have selected your field by your own choice, so plzz don’t complain! He he!!

Well as I end this write up.. let me tell you guys about the best gift that I had received till date!

Nope it wasn’t a MR who gave it to me but a patient.. now this person was operated for an inguinal hernia by our team, and we had playfully joked with him-
Aur phir aap hamme party kab de rahe ho?
Now this guy was a poor chanawala who made his living by going places and selling chana and singdana.. he could barely afford to pay the expenses of the surgery!( I had no idea that he was so poor, else we could have sanctioned it free!). in fact he was detained in the ward because he could not pay the op charges and a neighbouring patients relative had volunteered to bail him out..( again, I had no idea of all this, trust me! And I do feel damn guilty!) But he had remembered that we had demanded a party! So when he turned up for suture removal, he met me and said-
Sir, humne aapke liye kuch laaya hai.. aapke ward ke side room mein rakha hai! Operation karne ke liye bahut bahut shukriya! Ab main theek ho gaya hun, bhagwan aap sab ko saari khushiyaan de!
After I finished my opd, I went to the side room.. I saw a big bag with 3 small bags …he had given us 3 kgs of chana , singdana and dal… he had not given me a gift, he had parted with his 15 days salary.. never had I felt more helpless in life..he did not have the money to pay his hospital bill nor did he have any means of giving us a party.. but he had a large and generous heart…and that made him richer by a few million pounds ..more than any of us!!!

TALES - SPIN!!!

Well , as I begin this write up..i am happy as well as sad!

Happy because my MS Exams are , finally, over ( ..after 3 months of endurance, where we battled it out with bailey, sabiston, maingot, fisher, das, saha,…the list just goes on and on…day after day till it dawned upon us ...ki yaar MOUNTAIN DEW was absolutely right- ‘darr ke aage hi.. jeet hai!!’ its just that we were autistic enough not to understand the wisdom behind those golden lines…. As for the practs, only-‘ seedhi baat, baaki all bakwas’ earned us great accolades and we realised the huge potential that these ads have;-).kudos to SPRITE for showing us the way…MS Gen Surgery students from kem will always be thankful to these cold drink giants for making these insensible ads, but with sensible lines!!!

Sad because the good ole days at KEMH are finally over…it takes time for the reality to seep in, but when it does it’s the most awful, terrible, appalling, and dreadful feeling ,ever ! Simply put..i just love KEMH..the buildings, trees, katta, lib, my ward, my unit, my room and all my UG n PG friends, not to mention the mamas, mausis, nurses and the office staff too! Those sweet ”Hi’s” and “Good Mornings”…and a few more wonderful smiles per hour.. I will miss them all…!!! And as I prepare to vacate my room, I feel that I m parting with the ‘best’ piece of my life!!!
So I ve decided that in this article I ll pen down a few of those wonderful weird things that I observed during my heydays here….

This one s called- CONSERVATION OF RESOURCES!!
(at the outset itself let me declare that this one s not about Pramod and Pritam and Sambhaji has not revealed it!)
As the story goes …two of our eminent radio residents ( rank 1 syndrome as I call it) decided to conserve all their energies prior to the exams coz according to them this would enhance their performance (..in the exams!!..kuch bhi sochte ho tum log ,yaar..dirty minds!!) so they would not talk to each other ( inspite of being roomies) and would sit in the same position with their books all day long! amazing! guys I ve never seen this degree of determination in anyone in our esteemed institute(Anup tamhankar is a close second, will reveal his secrets too…later in this article!). So what I would suggest them is that guys you can still go a step higher and enhance your feat by following a few simple steps-
1]wanna save more time and energy, then start yourselves on TPN(total parenteral nutrition)..this way your gut will have to expend no energy in digestion, absorption, assimilation and egestion of foodstuffs that u consume, plus it will rest your muscles of mastication as well. this way the post prandial diversion of blood supply to the stomach is also prevented and you can selectively shunt the whole of it to the brain!(brain storming!..as I call it)
2]what, still wanna save more time. Ok.. in order to prevent time lost in traversing all the way to the loo and back..better is to start yourselves on CRRT( continuous renal replacement therapy) this will take care of all your waste products of metabolism(nitrogenous as well as non nitrogenous) and I guarantee that you ll never miss the loo!!! Cool na..ek IJV se TPN aur doosre side se CRRT! Fresh calories per hour..both IN and OUT!
3] Oh! You two re loving it kya..aur yeh dil maange more ! Theek hai..one, last one( bcoz after this I ll start charging you..sab kuchh free mein chahiye!) You can hire someone to carry you around, to the exam centre( so that you can peacefully read on the way..!). This person should also do TEPID SPONGING twice a day and brush your teeth once a day and switch on and off the lights and the fan as you say! So cool, all your basic needs ve been taken care of(ok, ok..the one you re complaining about is not a basic need, therefore im not buying the point!..coz it is classified as a desire and im not allowed to discuss it here..get that you two!) and you guys can now chill! All the best for the exams!(rank1 se bhi behtar koi rank laana..dudes!)


The next one s called- UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH RANK 1.
(at the outset itself let me declare that this one s not about Anup and his roomie has not spilled the beans!)
Being a room partner to a rank 1 is truly an arduous task..and being in such a demanding position for the last 3 yrs doesn’t help your cause in any way! His needs and demands re often above the roof..
....maine to sirf Bailey, Sabiston, Schwartz, Fischer, Maingot, Shakelford, CSDT, ASI textbook of surgery, Cockett and Dodd, Cuschierie, Surgical clinics of North America, Devita, Das, Saha, Sam D,AKG, Jagad, Smith’s urology, Campbell, Stell and Maran, Bhattacharya..bas itne hi books padha hai.. itne mein kaam chal jayega?.. nahin na.. shit yaar aaj kal mein kitne kam books padh raha hu(..woh to dikh hi raha hai!)..arre tere paas aur koi book hai kya!
….aaj tu mere ward ka round lega kya, mujhe zara lib mein imp kaam hai(..sabko pata hai ki lib mein kya kaam karta hai!dost!)
…aaj mere shaadi ki saalgirah hai aur biwi bhi aayi hai to zara mera emerg sambhaal lena( ..aur moron apni biwi ke saath poora din kahan spend kiya..lib mein!!Biwi ne movie jaane ka zikar kiya to apna hero snobbed her so badly that uske baad …)
…lib ke bahar khade hokar phone pe… haan madam, abhi mein ward ke bahar hu..subah se saare pts ka round(read as books..) liya hai( lib mein baithe baithe hi?..waah, telementoring ka zamaana hai bhai!!). everythings fine ma’am..you need not worry!(in fact the other day when he actually went to the ward, the pts thought that a new doc had joined this unit…a brief testimony to the amount of time spent in taking rounds!)
..his STATEMENT of the year- do not write on white matter(pages of the book), but store the info directly in gray matter as I do!)


….next-this one s called …STRONG DC!
(at the outset itself let me declare that this one s not about Donald and his Co has not provided me with info of any sorts!)
Once upon a time in India, a patient had come to the emergency department of ‘a’ hospital with pneumothorax on the right side! Apna don was the one who noticed that the patient was symptomatic and so needed an ICD insertion.. so strong that he was.. he took a chest tube and an ICD insertion tray and shoved it in….but on the left side!! Then he realized his folly, so he removed the tube and reinserted it, now, on the other side!!! And he didn’t stop at that… told the patient that x ray ulta tha toh aisa ho gaya..waah!wah bhai wah!


…the next one is about the ones whom I fear the most.. and I call it…A GELUSIL MOMENT!!!
(at the outset itself let me declare that this one s not about Shruti , and Anup was not her tormentor!)
..i had a weary day returned back to my room..had my food and then retired to bed! I was pretty sure that I would ve a good night s sleep, when suddenly…trrring trrring.. AT s phone rang! He picked up the phone and found his beloved gynaec reg on the other side!...
GR-“ arre, tum logon ne patient ka appendectomy kiya aur phir hamaare side transfer kyun kiya?”
AT-“ tumne patient ka salpingectomy kiya ectopic pregnancy ke liye, to tumhaare side pe hona chahiye na patient ko!”
GR-“…lekin uska appendix to tumne nikala aur bowels bhi handle kiya hai..i cannot manage this pt on my side!”
AT-“…kuch bhi kya, humne uska appendix nahi nikala.. bas dekh ke chod diya coz it was lookin normal!”
GR-“..accha accha, jus incision liya..appendix dhoonda ..hi bolke , chod diya!... to specimen kahan se aaya test tube mein?”
AT-“kisi doosre pt ka hoga..mujhe nahi pata par humne appendix nahi nikala hai…!!”
GR-“..nikala hai..!!!”
AT-“ nahi..”
GR-“haan..”
AT-“nahi..”
GR-“nikala..”
AT-“nahi…”
This continued all night… in fact they were yelling so loudly that I could hear their voices outside as well… he was on the third floor and she, first floor!!
Waise, the pt s appendix had been removed ,actually, by the over enthu first yr resident( his cutting na!) though this was not a part of the plan! That’s why AT didn’t kno bout it!! And though the ladies von gynaec happen to be the focus of our jokes ,most of the times…this time though GR was right!!poor gal!


….this one s a fond dedication and its called…OPTHAL CALL!
(at the outset itself let me declare that this one s not about Yogesh , and all the calls that he wrote were genuine!)
Every year freshers arrive and then the hunt begins…
…whose tat gal? wow, kitni cute hai! Kaunse dept ki hai pata karo…
…arre have u seen the sweet lil thing in peds? nahi?...... Phir life mein kiya kya..!!
…woh surg mein jo nayi ladki aayi hai, suna hai uska just break up hua hai! Use emotional support ki jaroorat hai, to…main hoon na!
Well, well.. all these are pretty natural stuff.. hota rehta hai.. but humne kya kiya..read on..
Apna Pappu ( this term had been coined by me for my first year resident!!..and now it’s a tradition! I m happy!) worked in the wards all day,but for some reason seemed sad..ekdum dukhi dukhi types!! Baad mein pata chala ki he liked those two pretty gals in Opthal!! So we thought of a way to bring back the smile on his face!...and that’s how Opthal calls started!
Since they were two.. these gals were on call alternate day!! So everyday pappu would sit down and write..(kabhi kabhi to adv mein bhi likhke rakhta tha..bhool gaya to???)
To , the opthal reg on call..
Kindly call over to assess pt Devdas c/o DM foot with decrease in acuity of vision to r/o changes of background diabetic retinopathy.
( I had 12 DM pts at any given point of time and multiple pts could be assessed simultaneously , but still pappu sent one call everyday!!! Phir pupils dilate karne ke baad , ek aur call.. Pappu ki to aish ho gayi!)
.. in fact he liked the idea so much that it soon spilled over to ENT calls as well( haan, even ent possessed a sweet lil thing…) soon all head injury patients had their ENT assessment done, irrespective of whether they had an injury to the face/nose/nasal bleed or not!!! Even the pt of a road traffic accident with injuries to the lower limbs and torso found his call worded as follows…
To the ENT reg on call,
Kindly call over and assess pt Raj Dholakia, c/o RTA with nasal trauma and severe nasal bleed ? csf rhinorrhoea and advise regarding further management..
…so that’s how my Pappu found the missing link and life was back on track…full of mirth, delight and glee!


….this one was a surprise to me too, I call it- SWITCHING PLACES!!
(at the outset itself let me declare that this one s not about Pankya , and a high stoma means a high output stoma and nothing else!)
…it was a very heavy emerg and the surg reg was having a difficult time! Already 5 explorations were waiting and Fournier s gangrene, debridement and amputation ka to mela hi laga tha! So when this poor pt with a small ulcer on his right foot came to the ESR, the reg was at his wits end…totally bugged that he was … he assessed the wound and then said..
“Zakhm bahut gehara hai aur iske wajah se poore sharir par bahut asar hua hai.. aapko sandaas theek se hota hai kya?”
To which the pt replied..” nahi saab 3 din se nahi hua.. aur bich bich mein pet bhi dukhta hai!”
The reg replies…” haan wohi toh, bahut bura asar hua hai sharir pe.. aapka abhi urgent operation karke sandaas ka jagah yahaan (..pointing towards the post triangle of the neck!!! Can you beat that!!) pe nikaalna padega!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????”
The flummoxed pt didn’t know what to do..just mumbled ki “main to sirf pair dikhane aaya tha aur pet ka opn kyun?!”
“Arre baba doctor aap ho ki main, kaunsa opn jyaada jaroori hai yeh aap hum par chod do”.. the reg said!
Bewildered, the pt mutter ed… “mujhe zara apne sage walon se baat karni hai, phir batata hu..and went outside, ….never to be seen in the vicinity of the ….again!”
Another story of sorts was that a seropositive pt(a young guy) got admitted to the ward n the med reg was really bugged.. actually the pt didn’t merit an admission but he refused to go home.. toh ab kya?
So when his parents and relatives paid him a visit..the reg said-“ Beta, Mummy ko bolu kya? Bata du!!! Mujhe lagta hai batana chahiye… akele akele kaise treatment karoge.. bata deta hu..”
….20 mins later, the pt had taken DAMA!


..as I end this post the last(and the only REAL incident) one s called KYA TIMING HAI!!!
(at the outset itself let me declare that this one s not about ME , and if destiny wants you to pay the bill, you will!)
…..i was never a miser but Prachi and Devyani always thought otherwise(poor me, na!!). and for some reason they always wanted me to give a party( ..cutting tum karo aur party mein du! Wah!) so one fine day they caught hold of me and took me to the restaurant in front of kemh. The clause was that they would order as much as they liked and I would foot the bill…yes slowly the order arrived..one dish after another.. veg platter, veg tikkas, hongkong fried rice, gobi Manchurian, veg jalfrezi, laccha parathas, rumali roti,fruit salad, gadbad ice cream… (needless to say, I was wondering what the bill would look like!)suddenly out of nowhere RRS sir arrived on the scene.. the place beside me was empty and sir sat beside me and ordered an American chopsuey! We all shared all that we had ordered..and finally the bill arrived and before I could do anything , sir had already given his credit card! I could see two red faced gals staring at me..[Prachi still holds a grudge against me till date, but main kya karu yaar!!ok prachi chill! I promise that I ll treat u guys to lunch and a movie too..and you know that(just get me that NOC from SP and you ve the treat,gal!)! He he!]
All I can say is..sometimes luck comes walkin by..so always stare at the door and keep the seat beside you..EMPTY, when in a restaurant!

DISCLAIMER- All the events expressed by the author are a figment of his imagination..any kind of resemblance to anyone or anything, living or dead, is purely co incidental!! Also the author cannot be held responsible for any of his comments!

Memoirs of an AS[h]LI WEDDING…. Filmi ishtyle!!!

At the outset itself, let me declare that this article is a work of fiction and bears no resemblance to anyone or anything living or dead (though, you may seem to differ after reading it…but as you know… my works depict the truth and nothing but the truth..blah,blah..in the purest of its form, and therefore you have no other option, BUT….to believe me!!!!!)

KEYWORDS-
Ashwin Sane, Sayali Tamhankar, Anup Bhatt, Tanu, Ashray Shrinkare, Indian Wedding,…..& lots more!!

MATERIALS AND METHODS-
All GS ka stuff….. hidden cams, those lonely alleys, the evergreen katta, all those smses secretly tucked away in the ‘drafts’ folder, and the always dependable- CCD & High Street Phoenix!!

INTRODUCTION-
Well they say that marriages are made in heaven (….enacted on earth, and fulfilled by spending the rest of our lives in hell!!!....ok ok, please don’t take all that in brackets too seriously!!he he!)..and they also say that you eventually wed the one you are destined to be with….
………….and lazybones that I am, I fully agree and abide by what they say. Because this funda suits me perfectly. You don’t have to break your back over a girl, woo her with all those ‘goodies n gifts’ and then burp out the million dollar question and face the toughest exam in your life, till you get a- YES, and then you gift her the eternal ring n create the FEVICOL bond between the two of you!! Phew …that s quite something na!

The easier way out, is to do what I do.. just step outside the house, look up, and say- Heavens, for god’s sake don’t do this to me…GIVE ME.. RED!!!(Oops, read that as my girl!! …that ‘eveready ad’ has got into my head, dunno why!). Else, you could pamper your parents to find the heavenly match for you! Cool na, coz it saves all those efforts and the time!

So today morning, I was in for the biggest shock of my life!! My mom walked up to me and announced-“after your MS exams are over, find the gal you are interested in and let us know, and we ll do the needful.” My head went into a spin. Oh! Come on mom, if I could do that then why did I wait all these years….you could ve said that when I was in K.G…and I would ve found her by now!! To start afresh, that too..now..oh god! Don’t you know how lazy(read as, confused) I am, esp on these issues! Please don’t try this(at home) on your only kid! But she wouldn’t budge..and as the saying goes- the mother knows her son, the best!..i had to retreat. So life was not going to be the bed of roses that I had imagined! I would, NOW, have to take, the untrodden path…take the long walk till Cupid hits me and I would be down with battered knees!!(..coz you always fall in love and, then, your knees get injured!). Boo Hoo!!

So I looked around if there was an easier way! My roomie, Anup Bhatt was my best bet. He had done all the hard work as an intern and had married the woman of his dreams! I was very sure he would not want me to go through all those stressful turns and turmoils! But inspite of coaxing him to the maximum, he wouldn’t do it all. Utmost he would do, would be to tell me bout a girl ,and then, again I was on my own…lost in Rome…far far away from home!! So now what? It was then that I spotted the lil one ashwin sane.. he had recently got engaged to sayali tamhankar, without much of an effort! Well, how did he do it? What was his modus operandi? It was then that it dawned upon me- the HITCH phenomenon!! And here s how it goes….

CASE PRESENTATION-
Ashwin Sane was born on 13th may. So was I.
He was a Taurean. So was I.
He was lazy, and I was lazybones!
He aspired to be a surgeon, and I intended to.
Thus, in spite of all those similarities, we had differed on one point…finding the PERFECT match! He had done it and I was going bonkers, thinking over it!

It was then that the truth dawned upon me..he had actively pursued the hitch phenomenon (no not SWAYAMWAR-coz it is old fashioned yaar , and it works 50:50, worked for Rahul , not for Rakhi). The hitch phenomenon always works..and the best testimony to this fact is that he has the cute lil’ Sayali tamhankar by his side!! So what did he do..

Knowing Ashwin, the lazy boy that he is, it is impossible that he would go all out and tell a girl that he loves her and would like to spend the rest of his life with her!! He suffers from ankyloglossia, just as I do! He could flung her books out of the lib when she took his place by mistake, but a chivalrous ashwin was unknown!! And I was stumped , the day I heard it all. Ashwin had indeed done the impossible!!! not just did he propose to her, but he had also apologized for his misdeeds in the past. Sweet lil Sayali, flummoxed, bewildered, bemused, puzzled, perplexed and mystified by the sudden turn of events had said –yes! He was as happy as one could be, and I was wondering the missing link to thee!!!

Then I understood- the wonders of the hitch phenomenon!
In this phenomenon, you get hitched to your dad s best friend’s daughter. Both the families know each other from times immemorial…and thus you are never at sea. Her parents like you and your parents are fond of her, too. Thus, all those qualms, worries, uncertainties, fears and doubts that Chetan Bhagat had in his life( ref-TWO STATES), apna Ashwin didn’t!! with all that confidence behind him, all apna Pappu had to do was to walk and talk( no wonder IDEA has that as its punchline..) and he did just that!!!

DISCUSSION-
I was discussing this thread with another close friend Ashray Shrinkare, who happens to be in the same boat as Ashwin..and then I realized that this formula can work wonders for most!! So Ashray, if you happen to read this one, the moral of the story is to keep your eyes wide open and tag all your dad s friends daughters’ on orkut/ facebook / twitter coz , now you know, exactly where the options lie!!!(..and that’s the truth and not a lie!!)
And for Ashwin, before I call it a day…
Dude, please gift her the RELIANCE mobile..it s a family tradition and you must keep it alive! Anup did that to Tanu..and made her a part of THE FAMILY, and I’m sure you would OBLIGE!!

CONCLUSIONS-
As I conclude this write up, I am thankful to Sayali for not wearing heels..else I would have a pretty bad lump on my head, by now! Heels hurt, your normal shoes don’t! Thanks for being kind to me!!
Also I want Chetan Bhagat to realize the potential of this indigenous weapon we possess..and thus we need not ape the West in matters of love, coz ours are still the best!
As for me, sadly even this option didn’t work….so till I find a new one…follow my blog! And if you ve an idea-please feel free to share it with me coz AN IDEA CAN CHANGE A LIFE, as Abhishek rightly says!!

Nothing's gonna change my love for you.....

Its funny how someone can break your heart and..you still love them with all the little pieces!!!
Yeah, that’s probably right. What do you say guys? Do you agree with this statement..yes??..no??..did you say pass? Nope, that s not an option here!
Well, to be frank…I am a destiny believer. I ve always believed that whatever happens, happens for a reason..happens because its destined to happen that way. I ve always been laidback, therefore, and never bothered to question the way things happen! Never pondered if things could happen differently..or if we could induce things to happen in an improbable way, maybe not quite the obvious way as designed by mother nature.
And, then, I ve always seen one thing. Nature always has her own ingenious way to handle things, and keep us all guessing..the best part of life, as you shall soon see! It is not surprising to see that opposites are always pitted together, they are attracted to each other (at times, re attracted) and somehow, they stay together…..
* * * *
As I glanced at the table in the library, the familiar silhouette of Ratnesh greeted my eyes. I and Ratnesh had been the best of friends since day one of MBBS. Always shared everything in common…all but Aarti. She was only ‘his’ property, his ‘girl’ and the only thing in his life which would probably never change! He was head over heels in love with Aarti…another thing which I associate with day one of MBBS.
……as I slowly treaded towards his table, I could sense the grim atmosphere all around. Those drooping shoulders and the lifeless head told me that she had said-NO. I had a premonition that something bad was going to happen to a close aide..and here it was! And then, I saw the familiar red fluid on the floor below and I knew I had to rush. I tied my handkerchief around his forearm, lifted him and rushed to the ESR. Here was someone, denying and changing the way nature would function. Why? What had happened? But for now, I did not care about the answers. I had to rush and I was on the way…
* * * *
…… Ratnesh Mehra, 24 yr old, PMTite, a good natured and intelligent guy, shy and reticent and above all a human being par excellence, my best friend and who was clear about only one thing he couldn’t live without(..no not oxygen, refer below for the right answer!)..
….. Aarti Honavar, 23yr old, localite, a lovely and an enigmatic girl, clearly above average( ref-the katta score of >8/10), always very clear about what she wanted in her life, and also a good friend( BHABHI- Ratnesh liked it that way) of mine.
Luckily all of us were in the same batch. We attended clinics together, went for movies together…(did last minute changes to seat these ‘two’ together!!)..participated in the dance together (I had no option as I was pulled into it..he needed me..and I was there to convince others that they danced in sync and therefore should partner each other!).. cheated during the exams together( I would write the answers and then hand over the sheet to Ratnesh who would photocopy that in his neat handwriting and then would pass his so called indigenous sheet to her. A sweet thanks from her at the end would make his day...and I was happy to let the things happen this way!)
Enter Feb 14th, for me it was a Friday but for him.. Valentine s day!! I was damn sure that he could never express his feelings..tachycardia, tremoulessness, palpitations..today he was a nervous wreck! But I had laid my plans. I had already bought a rose day ‘crush card’ for him, three days ago( that s a tradition at Sion..you dedicate a card to the one you love..which would be read in the auditorium at the common meet and she would then have to come up on stage to collect it and the rose..and of course, no points for guessing, I was the host!!).So today early morning, I had scanned all the V –DAY dedications in the Times of India and had finally settled on one-
Dear Aarti,
Its been a while that I ve known you. I ll always cherish those wonderful moments and everlasting memories that we ve had, so far. And I just wanted to say, this one lil thing-
Once upon a time, something happened to me…
It was the sweetest thing, that could ever be…
It was a fantasy, a dream come true…
It was the day, I MET YOU!!

….and I just wanted to add one more thing, that though you may only be one person to the world, you are the world to one person..thats me!!
From- Ratnesh.
Ratnesh was sitting in one corner of the audi. From the corner of my eye, I could see that Aarti had just entered the hall. I read the card aloud. Ratnesh, almost, had a sudden cardiac arrest..no..an ante mortem rigor mortis would describe his state better(if at all there existed a term like that!!). All eyes were on the beautiful lady making her way to the podium. I handed over the card and the rose…and I prayed hard, prayed for a yes!!
I really don’t remember the no of kicks I received at the end of the day, courtesy Ratnesh. With a clown like me as a best friend, it was never a difficult guess as to who might have done it. But I was happy, the job was done! We had the V-DAY SOCIALS in the evening…it was then that she confronted him! She was surprised with this public display of love and affection( I had anticipated this and had told Ratnesh to make a sad face and behave sheepishly, when this would happen). She said that she needed more time to decide. Bugs bunny Ratnesh had agreed.
….our days continued, we were done with our exams. Internship was over and it was time to say goodbye. Ratnesh would leave us and go back to Jabalpur. It was then that he approached Aarti, one last time. And no one knew about this, till the time I found him in the lib. He had not returned to the room and I went looking all over for him till I found him there.
* * * *
…..in the casualty, his CLW was sutured and a pint of blood was transfused. When stable, I took him back to my room. Finally he spoke- he said that she agreed to the fact that he was a close friend. But it would be difficult for her to settle down with him, plus all those cultural differences, going against the wishes of your parents (.. and all that stuff that you need to say before you reject someone..GOD!), it was, just, not possible. The final verdict was a NO! With that he burst out crying.
I must admit that all these years, I had played cupid for this couple, and I really wished that things would end on a better note. Here was a guy, my best friend, good looking, good natured and a wonderful human being (arguably the best guy of my batch!), someone who would do anything for his friends(..need I say that he would do everything to keep her happy?). But love equations probably don’t work that way.
So now what..i had to console him somehow. I started with my lecture series on this topic (never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it happened..and stuff like that!!). Told him to look forward in life, and the fact that life doesn’t end here, told him to be strong and forget her(..i had no option but to say this, did i?) and finally concluded saying that its all destiny(I wish changing the destiny was possible..wish someone would do it for him..i just could not see him in this painful state!!) and that you cannot change it(I wanted to be proven wrong on this account, atleast for today). Sadly that’s how it ended. Our AIPGE results were out the next weekend. I was in Kemh, so was she, and he was in Indore. I tried to talk to her, at times; regarding the same, but she was adamant, things were not going to change. Though I knew that he could never forget her, there was not much that I could do. By now a year had passed after this incident, life was hectic and I had lost touch with most of the things happening around me.
……
…… I was in deep sleep when,suddenly, the phone rang..i picked it up and it was my friends familiar voice at the other end. I had not spoken to him for months now. And he sounded much better than the last time we spoke at the Dadar rly stn, before he left. I purposefully avoided her topic in the conversation(as I always have, ever since that day). It was then that he dropped a bomb! She had called him yesterday night( ..first time since that eventful day), spoke about how life s changed after graduation..and then confided that she missed him and …said..YES to him. Needless to say, I had suffered from a sudden cardiac arrest now! He was so happy that he did not know what to do! He was going to come down the next month..life would be the same as I thought it would be! I really didn’t care if it was divine intervention (ONTCC by chetan bhagat, remember) or destiny (by me, remember) but I was just glad that it had happened. I could imagine these two walk hand in hand when they meet next time humming Nothings gonna change my love for you (Sion’s favorite song..long live Glenn Mediores)-
If the road ahead is not so easy
Our love will lead a way for us
Like a guiding star
I'll be there for you if you should need me
You don't have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are……

Well as I end this write up, I am very ecstatic that good things do happen in life and surprises do spring up when you least expect them..that s life..with every dark cloud there still is and will always be.. a silver lining!!!!

woes of- THE LITTLE MASTER!

…..This article is, and will always be, dedicated to the wonder boy-THE LITTLE MASTER!!! You are the sole inspiration behind this write up. Life (and that includes ward 6) would never be the same without you, my houseman-the great one!!! With the sheer burden over your shoulders, and a registrar like me by your side, only one word sums up the entire situation-SAD(Seriously Awesome..Duh)!! So today when I saw you, head over heels on the patient’s file, eyes wide shut and and your clenched fists grasping the pen(..wish it was my neck, instead!) doing the CTall at ten, I felt guilty. My conscience told me that I should help you in this predicament and, thus, I thought of this article. The next few lines will give you enough ideas to strengthen your repertoire, and should see you through these tough times!!
If I am right, your day begins at 7am with the ward round, followed by the bosses round, then the calls, collections, dressings, minor OT, or OT, evening round, ct alls, and then the much needed sleep!( as you see I ve not included your extra-curriculars like afternoon siesta, long chats on the phone, and dinner with her!!) Now at the end of the day, suddenly, it dawns upon you that most of the work is incomplete and you are sure that crucification is certain the next morning. So what do you do… Simply read the rest of the article and all will be fine!
So lets begin with the excuses that have been rated as the best as they have stood the test of time-

*excuses for not waking up on time*
-sir, I had set up an alarm at 6am. And then, unfortunately, my cell got discharged at 5am and it didnt sound, therefore…. (look sad when you say this!). Else say that it snoozed once and stopped on its own and you were going to get up after the second snooze, for sure! (avoid that sheepish grin when you say this!)
-sir, I was working on the bad patient in the ward till dawn and then fell asleep. Even I did not know when! Else say that the sister kept on waking you up every hour for a patient s iv line/ irritable alcoholic in withdrawl / rowdy head injury fellow/ opposite unit’s serious patient as their houseman was not traceable….
-sir, my girl next door, had a bad day at office..really..very bad day. And my heart went out to her(..so humane and kind)..so I counselled her overnight(..and we all know that morale support at this hour of the day does strengthen relationships..level of evidence 4!) and in doing so forgot to catch up with the much needed sleep.
-sir, I had uninterrupted sessions of loose motions at night, slept intermittently and uncomfortably over the pan ( can mention that you even fell down into it once…does highlight the seriousness of your condition!!), then the mama lifted me up and put me on the bed. I was feeling very weak and could not wake up on time!
-sir, I was forcibly taken (..by aliens?!) to Hard Rock Café y’day night and was made to drink tequila and then I just don’t remember what happened (..use this when you know that your registrar has seen the movie-the hangover) and so you see.. I forgot everything, including the excuse which I had made up for ya!

*excuses for not taking/completing your ward round*
-sir, I took the rounds. But I was not completely oriented in time, place and person. Therefore, by mistake I took rounds of all the patients, but, of the opposite unit!! Oh no..boo hoo! And then when I asked Manish to reciprocate, he denied to take rounds of our patients!!
-sir, there was a small misunderstanding with my co. I was under the impression that she had taken the female ward rounds. And coincidentally she thought likewise (..see how similar our thoughts are!) and we both ended up taking the male ward rounds!
-sir, halfway through the round I got a SOS call that she (..could be your Co, or the SNDT student, or the sweet lil thing by the patient s side whom you were eyeing for so long!) was down with severe abdominal pain. I rushed to her rescue, resuscitated her, sent an urgent gynaec call (..could not get it attended as usual),nursed her back to good health; and in the process couldn’t complete the round!
-sir, this patient is ours??!!! I had no idea, oh no! (look surprised, astonished and flabbergasted..let the jaw drop by a few inches! The ‘sheepish look’ is tailor made for this situation, so use it to the maximum!!!)[repeat this for every third patient whose rounds are missing..continue in a similar manner, till your reg throws you out. Then say sorry..and..ahoy! you have an early off call today!]
-sir, you had said that you would come at 9am. So I started late. And then you turned up at 8am, instead. Not fair….

*excuses for calls not sent/noted/attended*
-sir, I sent the call. But , unfortunately, to the wrong unit! Else say that you had sent it with the patients relative and he got lost/abducted/hijacked on the way and so it was not noted!
-sir, the call was sent before 4pm(or 11am if on a Sunday) but the on call registrar’s watch was already ahead by ten mins and,thus, he wrote- kindly send a routine call coming morning!
-sir, I called up the on-call reg. he said he ll come but didn’t turn up. He broke the trust which I had entrusted him with! (if you have seen movies of dilip kumar, you would exactly know how to sound sentimental when saying this..) else say that his phone kept playing-‘tum mile’ but no one picked up and now you know the song by heart, thanks to your persistence!...or simply say that when he came, the patient was not in bed and therefore an opinion was not possible!!
-sir, (with a astonished look) I thought you said an ENT call for this patient. Err, I didn’t know that I had to sent a Neurosurgery call. Ab kya karoon… (..wake up SID!)

*excuses for investigations( blood inv/ xray/ecg/any other) not available*
-sir, I sent all the samples. Then I realized that today the lab is closed! Else you could say that the machine was not working today and hence, no reports!
-sir, I did the collection and kept it on the window sill. Suddenly a crow swooped down from nowhere ( ref-harry potter/Narnia/LOTR/Indiana jones) and took that bottle away!! ( this was actually told to me by my ex houseman HBT..and I couldn’t help but smile!!!)[when you use this excuse, remember not to use the following- archeopteryx(now extinct), kite(not found in the indian subcontinent; eagles are!), sparrow( not strong enough to carry the bottle), garuda(again a mythical creature)]
-sir, I told the intern about Panduranga’s collection, and she sent it too, but of the other Panduranga in the ward! (..comedy of errors, you see!!)
-sir, I sent the relative to pay for the CT Scan and he just disappeared into thin air! Else say that when the relative arrived the trolley wasn’t there…and when the trolley was available, oxygen cylinder wasn’t there...and when everything was in place…the servant wasn’t there…and when the patient was, finally, placed on the scanner, the CT machine conked off!!
-sir, I had sent him for a chest x ray as advised by you..but..this film shows only the costophrenic angle and the whole of abdomen!...why so sir??!!! You can also use a similar excuse and say that the patient was sent for a Right lower limb Venous Doppler but the radiologist did it for his left leg, for reasons best known to him!!

*excuses for not doing the dressings*
-sir, there were no gauze/ bandages available in wd 5/6/7/8/ESR/SICU…..wish I knew that before I opened all the wounds!!
-sir, I just missed out on this one. The abdominal binder concealed the dressing and I had no idea that a wound check was done for him.
-sir, I thought we were doing an alternate day dressing for him..oh no!!
-sir, I thought that the green colour on the gauze was Acriflavin. Didn’t know that it was Pseudomonas. And couldn’t smell it due to nasal congestion!! I have to take cetrizine and otrivin drops now, high time! (Stamp your foot in annoyance and then say sorry!!)
-sir, the physiotherapists usually do his dressing after ozone therapy. Looks like they had a change in the mood today!! I was banking on them..ditchers!!

*excuses for not doing the CTall at night*
-sir, I dunno what happens to me while doing it! After I begin, just after a while and again towards the end(..not to mention in the midst, too..) I feel very sleepy! ( this happens to be my housie’s fav excuse, I hear it everyday…)[actually, one of you, UG students could take this as a topic of research- why the little master sleeps from 10pm onwards while doing the ctall but NEVER while watching a movie at PVR from 10pm to 1am!!!]
-sir, when I was doing the ctall, this patient’s file was missing!! ( simple reasoning which often works!!)
-sir, I was repeatedly dozing off on the table. The sister told me to sleep and assured me that she would wake me up after 15 mins. But, she didn’t!! And now I have to bear the brunt of her mistake!!
-sir, I did all the double ctalls and kept it in the sideroom. The servant thought that it was thrash and dumped it in the bin. [One housie said that someone had opened the cupboard at night and had stolen only the ctalls ( leaving behind all those expensive suture materials and liga clips!! logistics, anyone!)]

And to end it all, here’s a list of all the places you could disappear to and catch a nap during your emerg with your registrar running helter skelter, frantically looking for you-
-EMS USG room
-Gents changing room( when your reg is a lady, this is the best place to hide!!)
-Servants locker room in the EMS OT
-beneath the autoclave in the boiler room in EMS OT
-E Lab
-CT complex( first floor), side room.

…….So that’s where I put the pen down, hold my breath and make a wish-
I wish that the little master benefits out of this manuscript and I wish him good times ahead!!!!