INTERNal affairs....!!!

……….. As a first year resident in surgery,I really had an eventful time. I had many a wonderful astonishing , matchless and unique experience' ,the biggest chunk of which ,I would like to share in this article.


In this one year, I dealt with more people than I ever had…Reggies, Students, Nurses, Mamas n Kakas n Patients, and of course the salvation of housemen all over….Interns!
It is prudent , therefore, that I devote this article to my sweet lil’ interns as a fond remembrance of their deeds and at times misdeeds(read as …missed deeds?)!!

As a budding intern I strongly recommend that you must read this piece of mindless write up before u start on this new journey….


..So lets begin…..
The next few lines will sum up one of the basic axioms of internship- 'Excuses to bunk !'


We always begin with the classical one-‘Migraine’.
Migraine is a disease condition that can precipitate at any time as a bolt from the blue. It can be self induced at any time during your internship. You might have a date with him today or the IPL final may be on your watch-list or simply u may intend to spend the day with your books… in such cases all you have to do is close your eyes, think n believe in yourself…and migraine will be all yours!! You are now immune to any terror attacks(..read as phone calls) of your houseman. Silently pick up your phone n sms him about this acutely acquired condition and the rest of the day is all yours!!!

Next on the list is-‘Inability to secure the blood vessel for the purpose of collection.’
Blood collection is obviously an interns' nightmare…invariably you are handed over a long list of collections’, as a greeting ,every morning by your divine tormentor. You find yourselves at Rome as you have no idea who and where the patients are. After you have done Pandurang’s collection you realize that there are four Pandurangs’ on your side!! You are in a fix!!
Also the ABG that you ve collected keeps showing up as VBG for no fault of yours…machine problem, you need not worry!!
Under such a circumstance, the best thing to do is to be broad-minded. Fire every possible vessel, that you can lay your hands on.. Then hand over the syringe to your beloved and explain him the genuine problem. Repeat this procedure for the next few days and soon it will reap rewards. You will soon see the regression in the collection list !! You can mobilize neck lines and jugulars for the registrar by firing all the median cubitals and basilics…or let your beloved spend half an hour doin the cutdown. Who cares..you have done your job!

If you are third time lucky, the next weapon is- ‘your Mobile.’
Manage your mobile settings in an intelligent way, and you can successfully evade your darling. The ideal point is reached when your mobile constantly sounds engaged whenever your darling tries to reach you. A step less perfect would be your cell operators stating that you are not reachable. In dire circumstances you can resort to the fact that your cell had got discharged at the eventful moment…

During the rainy season there can be no better an excuse than –‘Floods!’
It could be flooding of the tracks, roads, rivulets, rivers or simply flooding of your residential colony. Let your imagination run wild and cook up an astounding story that would demonstrate the fact that you were stranded on an island without the knight in shining armour to rescue you and transport you to the ward-your cherished place of work. You tried all the possible means including informing ‘bout the worst case scenario ..but even the phone wouldn’t respond!!


Another good thing to do during your internship is to get-‘ Married!’
Whoa..don’t break my bones, I’m not saying that you have to get married…all you have to do is to fake one. A confident fekko can earn you great laurels, at least a fortnight off…


The next key word is- ‘Registration’.
Use your innovative skills to the maximum….you can skip work by saying that today you have to get your MMC registration done..tomorrow it could be your Visa ..and your MLE/PLAB registration the next day.
Now that you have got the day off, spend it wisely! You can easily complete your Orkut/Facebook registration and complete your profile in its entirety!!!


The next one is strictly for the ladies..its called- ‘Mittelschmerz!!’
Not even the Prof can deny you a leave when you are under such great pain and suffering. Always use this excuse with a humane touch….and lo….you have a vacation for 5 days to say the least ! You can go to Nashik, Latur, Kolhapur, Pune or fly to Delhi and come back during this period.
Sadly, guys cannot avail of this benefit…tsk.tsk… no wonder they call us the unfortunate ones!!!


Another absolute excuse would be-‘Medical advise to take rest.’
If you have completed your Medicine posting, and if the houseman/ reggie was one amongst your admirers then give him this 'one' chance to help you. On a case paper ask him to mention the following golden lines-
H/o cough n cold/ evening rise of temp/loss of wt since 15-20 days
Get the CXR reported as b/l hilar opacities.. Impression-PTB.
Mission accomplished!
Another good option is to prick yourself with a sterile needle under all aseptic precautions, while standing over the bed of the seropositive pt in the ward, implying that it happened while you were doing his collection. Rush outside the ward. Come back after a while, and declare that you have been started on ART. You don’t come to the ward for the next fortnight, but do call up your beloved and state that you have severe gastritis and nausea with a hint of myalgia. (Be a good ARTiste and ART syndrome is all yours!)


The last amongst the unending list of excuses…always works!!(I ‘d better stop here, because I fear that the list would consume the entire Gosumag otherwise..!!!) It is- ‘Feigning a relative’s illness.’
One of my sweeties', not only told me about her dad’s operation, but also took all the suture materials, and antibiotics for the surgery. It turned out to be a hoax. Too bad. Personally I do not subscribe to this one(..not that I subscribe to the others stated before..!!) because I feel it is ethically wrong to do so. However under dire circumstances, when nothing else works.. this would and therefore, I mention it, the last.

That brings me to the end of this editorial (nope ,this is not an expose…come on!!). I will always remain indebted to my interns (oops..sweeties i.e) who provided me with the inspiration to write this article.

I express gratitude to my intern who had dutifully written all the reasons to bunk internship and had handed it over to me when I expressed my desire to write on this topic. Thanks Sweetie, for this is truly an article of you...for you…and by you…everything, sans, the democratic way…!!!!

Note- None of the excuses mentioned above are copyrighted. You may use them as you please. They can be clubbed together with supra additive effects. Also individual ingenuity can make this a lot more useful than it seems, otherwise. As you tread upon this journey , wish you all the best….Hmnnn, faint memories tell me that I did the just the same, an year ago!!!!

MEET MY FRIEND.....!!!

“Friend don’t walk behind me, and also ahead of me. Always be with me.”
-My friend

I still remember very vividly the first day of my college ….here at LT. About a hundred odd- faces staring at me…...some speckled and some spectacled… each different in their own kind! It was then that I met this guy….

Sitting on one corner on the last bench of the last row….was this grim looking guy! A tall moderately built guy with an absolutely out of place –moustache! Why is he looking so gloomy…I thought? Maybe he does not like this place, or perhaps he must be homesick!! At the end of the lecture as he passed by, I muttered-Hi! A sweet smile was what I got in return…,so, Mr. Grim could smile after all!! I did not realize that this would be the beginning of an everlasting friendship…

The days passed faster than hours, months faster than minutes… we soon found ourselves in the examination hall -the first yr MBBS exams had begun!!………

….and soon the BIG day had arrived! Results would be declared any minute. I was looking for my friend, Mr. Grim. How would he perform…I didn’t have to wait too long for the answer! Only one student from my batch had managed to score 3D’s in the exam……my friend, Mr. Grim.

Would this be the beginning of an illustrious carrier….a carrier studded with D’s…. E’s.…and F’s… and what not! Yes I did have a faint idea!

As the years passed, our friendship grew. I would find myself more often in his room listening to music, dreaming about Amrita Rao, discussing the day’s proceedings...all this with more regularity than the lectures I would attend!!! It was here that I met this extrovert guy, who was perceived to be an introvert in the true sense when at college! Talk about girls and he would give me an angry stare, tease him with someone and he would pull my hair!!! From paying all my bills at the hostel canteen (..I was his guest he would say!),to fixing up all my problems, he would do it all! I realized what a gem of a person this guy was. Always ready to help you …any time you ask him…with the zeal that few people possess, Mr. Grim wasn’t so grim after all!!!!

As the days passed my friend surpassed all our expectations…with multiple D’s every year, we were sure that he would make it big one day. By now we had completed our internship-the termination of our MBBS carriers’!! All India and MH- CET results were also out. I rushed to his room and as I looked up into his eyes…I could sense the disappointment. He had not done as well as he would have expected….things were amiss!

It was then that he decided ….he would leave Mumbai. Obviously I felt sad but I knew that this was for his own good…and I was sure that he would be back one day. As I bade him goodbye, I could see the determination in his eyes. From then on, it was just a matter of time, it had to happen… and happen it did!! One year later and this guy had TWINS…!!! Yes, he had the sole copyright of Rank 4 for the year 2007,in All India as well as MH-CET!!
My happiness knew no bounds…finally the deserving had got his reward!!

“Hard work, patience, and perseverance can get you anything and everything in this world. Nothing is impossible, unless you think it to be! Have a goal, be enthusiastic about it and channelise all your energies in that direction. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm! The first step is always the most difficult step, but once you have done that everything else will fall in place. Always aim high…aim for the sky and you will land on the roof!” These were the words of my friend….an epitome of these facts-‘SAMBHAJI’!

Well as I end this article, I will always be thankful to God to gift me a friend like HIM. And I will always remember those lines that he had written for me on Friendships’ day!(Yup, I still have that card!).Mr. Grim you have stuck to it, up to the task, as you have always been! You have always been with me, through thick and thin, truly so! I will always cherish those fond memories and I am happy that as the next chapter unfolds in our lives …we would still be together….at a new base! Seth G.S.M.C…here we come!

P.S- This article is not a work of fiction and bears every resemblance to a person living in good stead- Mr. Grim.
… and I am sure that if the great one happens to be reading this, he will appreciate the efforts I have put in to pen this down! My hard work should not go unrecognized….
….so can I ,now, have the Sony Ericsson K11 that Bhatia’s have gifted you….please!!!!!

.....YEH JEEVAN HAI!....!!

At the age of 17, Jeevan was far ahead of any kid of his age. A son of a poor peon, Jeevan sure had come a long, long way! As he set his foot in the college campus, he pinched himself just to make sure he wasn’t dreaming!! Yes he had indeed secured admission in one of the best engineering colleges of Mumbai. And today was the first day…the first day of an Engineers life..…HIS life!! With a drafter tucked in his hand and with a rucksack containing drawing sheets and notebooks, Jeevan was already there…half an hour ahead of schedule! Today being the first day, he did not want to be late. His most coveted dream…something that he had always yearned for…was just half an hour away!!

Little Jeevan had always been punctual. Ten years of schooling and he had never missed a day! Always completed all his assignments on time.. always been the first to answer any question that was put up.. always been the first ranker of his school…that was Jeevan! He was the pride of his school or “ paathshaala” as they called it in his village! His dad, a mere peon at the same school, had endured a lot, toiled day and night; and today all his hard work had borne fruit! His son would not be another peon…he would be an engineer! Jeevan was lost in his thoughts when suddenly.. Trrrrringg…the bell rang! The first lecture was underway. When the day ended he was exhausted…plod.. plod, slowly he trudged his way back to the hostel.

As he was about to enter his room, he heard a noise….
Psst…
Again,
Psst..…..
As he turned round he saw five of the meanest faces that he had ever seen.
“Fresher”, they said in unison!
“Yes, sir,” he whimpered.
Born and brought up in a tiny village, Jeevan was oblivious to the gospel truth of the life in a hostel- RAGGING! And the first lessons’ had begun, extempore!! He was asked all sorts of questions-
#Imagine yourself to be a dog and show us how you would wag your tail.
#If you were to spend a night with Angelina Jolie, how would you do it?
#What’s your favorite brand of condom and what’s your taste-ridges or polka dots?
#What would you do if you were offered the role of the main protagonist in the movie-“ The Blue Lagoon?”

Jeevan imagined himself as a bread slice in a grill-toaster, with the ambient temperature somewhere in the not so comfortable 100 degrees! He realized how a chicken would feel during the butchering! The ragging sessions continued for the next few days….

One morning the seniors asked him to get movie tickets for them. He was asked to travel to Andheri, by train and get 8 tickets for the night show. Poor Jeevan was in a fix. If he dared to defy them, he was sure to get ragged at the hostel. Jeevan decided that he would go. He had never traveled in a local train before…his village had bullock carts instead!! He bought a ticket after waiting in the queue for half an hour. As he got to the station, the train arrived. It was so crowded that there was no way he could get in. He decided to catch the next. It was no better. Slowly minutes passed…he had already let go about five trains. He was getting impatient! As the next train rolled in he barged inside. He felt himself getting squashed like a pudding, surrounded by wet bodies drenched in sweat with different odours emanating from them…. And they say that the Mexican gas chamber is the worst, he told himself!! Every station would bring about the influx of more people…very much reminiscent of a recent movie that he had seen the other day-300!! Jeevan had, now, been forced to the door. He was dangling supported only by one foot and three fingers! Please God let me get the tickets, I want to return back as soon as possible, he thought.

Screeeech…..!! Suddenly, the train jammed its brakes…and it jolted dangerously!

And before anyone had realized, there was a vacant place at the door!!!
The train continued on its journey to the next station. After a minute and, probably, a kilometer later; the other people realized that the boy at the door was missing! At the next station, The Station Master was informed, right away. He rushed Railway Personnel to the scene. They were horrified at what they saw! Lying in a pool of blood with multiple lacerations and a cracked skull, was a lifeless mass!

They rushed him to the Municipal Hospital at Vile Parle. At the casualty the doctor on duty said that his condition was critical and that it was necessary to perform a CT Scan and that he may need a surgery at the earliest. His parents were summoned as they had to give consent for the surgery. The CT Scan showed a fractured skull with an extradural hematoma. The doctor explained that this was a collection of blood which was compressing the brain and would soon threaten to compress the vital centers at the base of the brain, unless an emergency operation was carried out! The surgery would be underway in the next few hours. Till then he would be put on advanced life support system in the TRAUMA ward. He was put on a ventilator with a thin plastic tubing connecting him to a source of oxygen…his thread of life!!!

His parents had arrived by now. They had no idea why he was traveling and where to. When they had received the news from the Village Sarpanch, they were dumbstruck. They felt the ground being swept from beneath their feet! They were rushed to the station (the Sarpanch, himself, volunteered to drive them to the station) from where they boarded a train to Mumbai. All through the journey, his mom wept inconsolably.

* * *

The doctors who had admitted Jeevan to the TRAUMA ward had left, by now. They had to prepare for the operation. There was no one next to him. Alone lay Jeevan, with his life sustained by the thin line supplying oxygen!
Creeeeeeeak…. The door creaked open and a sweeper entered the TRAUMA ward. This was the last part of his duty, he had to mop the floor and, then, he could leave. He was drunk, as usual, and set upon his job grumbling and mumbling to himself. Carelessly and hastily he cleaned the floor, himself swaying all the time. He was cleaning the floor around Jeevan’s bed, the last one, when ….Thud …

In his inebriated condition, he had bumped into the ventilator. He got up quickly, looked around, satisfied that no one had seen him fall and moved away.
All this while, Jeevan was lying calmly. But suddenly he started gasping, he was sweating all over, he was desperately trying to seek something… but what? ……Oxygen!!!

Yes, when the sweeper had bumped into the ventilator, the force of impact had dislodged Jeevan’s oxygen tube!! His last lifeline was snatched away from him. As he lay gasping in his bed, he could sense his life being seized away, he could feel the thread snapping…!

He wanted to be an engineer one day and wanted to put an end to all his family woes. How proud would his parents be when they would see him return with the B.E degree! He would work towards mechanization of the services in his village, just as Shahrukh Khan did in the movie SWADES; his favorite film.

* * *

Outside the ICU, the doctors were explaining the procedure to his parents. They consented to the procedure. Tears flowed down their cheeks, as they begged the doctors for his life-THEIR life!!! Soon the operation would be underway…and their Jeevan would be back, they thought. The doctors went inside the TRAUMA ward in order to transfer Jeevan to the Operation Theatre. When they reached his bed, a ghastly sight met their eyes! Lying on the bed was a lifeless, inert body, with outstretched, open hands….

Hands that had fought hard to hold on to something…… his dreams, his Baba and Aai’s happiness, his goal…and for all that he needed to grasp on to just one thing-his life! He fought a valiant battle, but lost it in the end!!
And next to him, dangling by his side, they saw, a thin plastic tube!!! The doctors froze… what would they explain to his parents? As they made their way out of the ward…they heard a song played out on the radio, held by a patient’s relative sleeping in the corridor-

“Yeh jeevan hai, is jeevan ka….
Yehi hai, yehi hai, yehi hai rang roop….
Thode gum hai, thode khushiyaan….
Yehi hai, yehi hai, yehi hai chav-dhoop…
Yeh jeevan hai………….!!!”

RAM AUR SHYAM!!!

Yeah, finally im up to it again. Im back with a new article, the only difference is that this happens to be a real life story. A story bout two friends…..or should I say two foes. Well I leave that for you to decide, while I do what im best at…..narrating the story of course!!!!


Hey hey, just a sec!!! Before I start narrating let me first tell you guys bout a few of the proverbs which I learnt at school.
(1) A friend in need is a friend indeed!!!
(2) If you stand for nothing you will fall for nothing!!!
(3) Handsome is that handsome does!!!
(4) A right thing done at the right time is right, a wrong thing done anytime is wrong, and a right thing done,but, at the wrong time is wrong!!!


No no no… my article is not bout giving you guys a session on English literature, but as you read you will realize that all of these have some relevance….not just in our lives but those of Ram and Shyam as well.
So lets begin……………

Ram and Shyam were bosom friends. They shared many a thing in common…. A common room , a common workplace, a common aspiration, a common studyplace and also a common mobile!!(now that’s interesting…a common mobile??? Yes indeed , a common ‘mobile’… something that would change their lives forever!??)

And it all happened on one fateful day!! Shyam( read S for studious and sincere,but stupid) had just returned back after an engrossing night at the hospital. He was just about to fall asleep when Ram( read R for rascal and rogue,& really smart) requested him for his mobile.Apparently ram always wanted to be a philanthropist and today was the day he had planned to announce his philanthrophism to the world(..but in his own element and by his own wicked means…!!!) He had decided that today he would help the juniors to cheat in the exam.he would sms them the answers and they would simply retrieve the data from their cellphones and pen them on paper. This was a foolproof modus operandi and no one would get caught, ram thought. But it was not to be!?? In his extreme enthusiasm to copy, the junior had forgotten the basic tenet of the art of copying….i.e to hide his resource.His cell was confiscated and he was debarred from the exam. All the smses were traced to their source…shyams mobile!!!

It was evening by now,and Shyam had also woken up. Very soon he realized his folly. He had trusted Ram and had handed over his cell when he had asked for it , and now he too had become a element of the malpractice( vicarious responsibility,should I say?)
But in his eagerness to protect his skin and his fellow mates he decided that he would keep mum. He would act as a blind spectator to this tribulation and would not open his mouth. ( Silence is not always golden…. And Shyam would find this out very soon!! )

Three months had passed since this incident had occurred. As usual Ram was in high spirits and why wouldn’t he ?? Internship was on the brink of completion….signatures had been forged at MAA hospital and no one had a hint to it . His completion was well in sight.Things were happening exactly as per plans. What a genius I am, Ram thought.

……. It was then that all hell broke loose. Ram received a call from the university asking him about his misconduct. Ram had banged down the phone on a few occasions, and had also tried to switch skins ,saying that this was Amitsin s phone no. (this is where poor Amitsin got dragged into this ordeal…just like shyam would…). Shyam too had his share of misfortunes. He was too questioned by the university, and adversity had its way!! Shyam was proclaimed guilty of being a part of this malpractice. Everything was over! The university had made its decision… The junior was debarred for two and half yrs, Ram(the exam buster..) had to repeat his internship all over again.


Poor shyam was also handed over a one yr repeat , just like Ram. He was victimized. He did not know what to do.He looked around for some support, someone whom he could talk to.But ,suddenly,all his friends had vanished into thin air. All those whom he had protected , had gone into hiding.He felt a sensation of déjà vu all round him. Poor Shyam appealed for mercy but that was not to be,it was all too late. He had to suffer, although for no fault of his.

Well that brings me to the end of this article.

Friends, im sure you all must have experienced a RAM of similar sorts in your everyday life. Such dastardly creatures abound in life.They act like the dog in the manger. Neither do they thrive in life, nor do they let others live in peace.So join hands and strive to put an end to such a menace as and when you come across them , in your life!!!!

NOTE: This article is a work of fiction and the author can not be held responsible for its resemblance to anyone or anything living or dead.

A GOAL OF A DIFFERENCE!!!

Children are the most wonderful of god’s creations!! Im sure that you all agree on this one. They lighten up our lives , make it merrier, and in simple terms , they make our life …complete!! Yet, not all children are born equal, like you and me!!! These are the ones to whom I dedicate this article to….. the childrens’ of a Lesser God!!!

I was on the flight to Chennai when I met Kim Kane. Her seat was next to mine. She was a brunnete, a woman in the late thirties. She was on the way to Pondicherry, on a visit to Shri Aurobindo Ashram. She asked me bout my profession. I told her that I was a doctor and that I was preparing for my postgraduation. What subject would you select for your postgraduation and why, was her next question. I told her that I just love kids and would therefore like to do my post graduation in Pediatrics. I could see the glimmer in her eyes as I completed my statement. It was then that she narrated this incident to me, an incident which has left a permanent mark on me!
I will narrate it as it was told to me….
She began……

“ Last night was the last game for my eight year old son’s soccer team. It was the final quarter. The score was two to one, my son’s team in the lead. With less than ten seconds remaining, the ball rolled in front of my son’s team mate, one Mike O’Donnel. With shouts of “ Kick it!” echoing across the field, Mike reared back and gave it everything he had. All around me the crowd erupted. O’Donnel had scored!!


Then there was silence. Mikey had scored all right, but in the wrong goal, ending the game in a tie. For a moment there was total hush. You see, Mikey has Down’s syndrome and for him there is no such thing as a wrong goal. All goals were celebrated with a joyous hug from Mikey. He had even been known to hug the opposing players when they scored.

The silence was finally broken when Mikey, his face filled with joy , grabbed my son, hugged him and yelled, “I scored! I scored. Everybody won! Everybody won!” for a moment I held my breath, not sure how my son would react. I need not have worried. I watched , through tears, as my son threw up his hand in the classic high-five salute and started chanting, “ Way to go Mikey! Way to go Mikey!” Within moments both teams surrounded Mikey, joining in the chant and congratulating him on his goal.”

By the time she finished her narration , the plane had reached Chennai. I was overwhelmed by the gesture shown by her son and his friends. I asked her to congratulate him on my behalf. As I bade her good bye, I promised myself that I would write an article on this incident so that all of us realize that …..
……. These children , the ones with Down’s syn, Rett’ s syn , Asperger’s syn, etc or simply put…the ones who are mentally challenged, are indeed unfortunate. Labeled as “ happy morons”, “spikey hair”,etc all that we do of their plight, is to make fun of them, make merry at these poor kids’ expense! But all of us, the society as a whole, must realize that these children are very much a part of us… our world…the world that god has created. It is only then that these ‘ ill fated inopportunes’ may lead a life, a life of less misery and suffering, …though it will always be…….. a life less ordinary!!! As I end this article, Kudos to Kim’s son and his friends for doing just that….!!!

A narration by KIM KANE written by Dr Swarup.