SWARUPdoc's Omnibus: Ishh Eata' s Don

This is a Story for a scholastic competition written by my wifey when she was a twelve year old ....

Don was a typical ex-ghongster (ghost + gangster, although he was still a ghost) He was a typical Italian looking Don, (as his name suggests) and his grandmother a typical rude, haggard and impatient old lady, who asked a lot of questions. Don was of course, a chain smoker because he wore chains while smoking. They lived in total solitude in the second tallest tower of the highest hill, since a mad aircraft had destroyed the tallest. Normal people who were pretty eager to know about the ghost world found it impossible to reach this destination and those who would, would never want to come out because of the five star hospitality that Don gave. Dinner had just gotten over. The telly was switched on, and ‘The Don’s’ grandmother sat on the couch, intently watching her beloved soap ‘KYUNKI KI SAAS BHI KABHI BHUT THI’, on Scar TV, since it was for scarred souls. It was the favorite opera all through the ghost world or rather the underworld. Every ghost loved this highly melodramatic supposed piece of ‘art’, everyone except Don and a few of his useless accomplices.

Don had always been commanded by his grandmother to watch the serial with her. She didn’t like him watching ‘The Old and the beautiful’ and thought it was proper she shouldn’t see anything so ‘western’. She thought that if he watched it, he might get a little more sensitive and emotional. Of course, the serial did make him cry…. out of despair! This particular night was no exception. The volume on the T.V was turned to the highest and Don sat next to his grandmother, grumbling. He hated the soap with all his heart. He cursed the producer for making such a serial and then he cursed himself for being dead.

This eve, the show was beyond the realm of his patience. He couldn’t tolerate seeing people breakdown into tears at every interval, he couldn’t tolerate the surprise guest appearances from far off relatives who had come to avenge some by-gone saga of betrayal. He couldn’t tolerate that every two minutes the show leaped twenty years into the future, where the girls who were young two minutes ago had become middle aged housewives and mothers. He wondered if NASA followed their time travel, their trips to the moon and mars would go off together. He couldn’t take it any longer.

So he crept away from the room and picked up the Indian tantric hotline. He dialed 6661-000-1666.

“hallo” came the voice from the other side, “ hoo is thiss?” asked the voice.

“ Kala is that you?” asked the Don, “ how are you?” he asked.

“Is this boss, long time,” said Kala in his ethnic accent. “how are yooo sirr… I really missed you, I am fine sir” said Kala whose voice sounded very excicited.

“ Never mind Kala, we can catch up later, I have work, come to the cemetery we were buried in, meet me sharp at 12:00, bye now.” Don banged the phone, thus ending his short-to-the-point conversation to his ex-right hand man (in Don’s case more like ride side man, because he didn’t have hands.)

“Bye dadi (grandmother)” said Don as he picked up his briefcase and flew out of the door”

Don stood in the cemetery, looking Kala. Then a voice came “ I am here, sirr”…it was Kala. Kala had a music player in his hand and he wore dark glasses. Don looked bewildered at the newfound style of Kala.

“Sirr, what are you thinking” Kala spoke.

“Nothing, it’s just that I was thinking why in hell did you wear dark glasses at night?” said Don, “ and why are you carrying a music player with you?”

“Bosss, you see, … the other day I saw this fashion show where all these men do modeling and I saw one of them wear sun glasses on the ramp, so I thought it would be in style, and about the music player, you see I am carrying this music player because I want to listen to Kala chasma (a hit Indian song) all the time.” was Kala’s justification of his newfound style.

“Never mind, now we shall get down to business, here in this briefcase is 2 crore ghostly coins. “I hope its not “Kala” money…hehehe”. Oh! Kala’s bad sense of humour was still there! “I have spoken to slim shady (their gunman, whose full name was s.o.s which when expanded read slim olllso shady) and he will do the job. He told me to meet him at 12:00 midnight at the cemetery” said Don “ come on now, we shall go to his grave he must be waiting for us…err…for me”.

There in the darkness stood their fellow criminal and accomplice. He was a tall and dark looking ghost, whose mouth was like a beak. He had narrow beady eyes and a really bad sense of humor.

“How are things, eh shades” said Don (referring to S.O.S’s nickname).”

Don’t waste my precious sleeping hours in small talk” said shades rudely “just tell me what, where and when, and then give me the money and consider the work Done”.

Don was scared of shades “Okay, you have to scare all the members of the serial ‘KYUNKI SAAS BHI KABHI BHUT THI’, so that such a serial never gets made again and people won’t even dare telecasting the re-runs” Don said mustering a little strength to face Slim Olllso Shady.

“Tomorrow you shall go to the production house, and I want the work Done tomorrow itself without fail”. “Hand over the money, you’re work will be Done” said Shades “Thanks”, said Kala, finally speaking out (because he was busy listening to Kala chashma…), “Now boss can I go my to house, its her death anniversary I have to pick up flowers, you know how important death anniversaries are to wives. Wife will be waiting” “o.k. Lets go, thank you Olllso, if you do my this work I will forever be in your death…I mean debt” said Don trying to look gracious. “FOREVER? Can I ask anything…vow…hehehe” Shady shadily mumbled to himself planning and scheming in his mind how to overuse this power. Flying backwards (Don didn’t dare to face his back to hunter), bid goodbye to hunter, and in this flying backwards business, he tripped over two gravestones.

Then he looked at Kala, bid him goodbye too, and sped away home so that his grandmother won’t get suspicious.

In was the D-Day or rather the D-night, it was 9:00 pm, Olllso got out of his grave, wore his weapon belt and began his short journey, to the production house. Even he, who was a mastermind criminal, felt a little giddy on the thought of going into that ‘scary’ production studio. With him he carried his most valuable tool. A mask, a black veil (which he copied from the hit film ‘ I know what you did last winter), sharp teeth itching powder and a new bottle of pepper spray.

Now, he was standing in front of the gloomy and over towering house. A chill ran down his spine and he swallowed his spit. “This is it, the moment I have not been waiting for!” he said as he went through the door. It was a lavish set, one lavisher and gaudier than he had ever imagined than he ever imagined. And then suddenly his thoughts were interrupted by a loud sound “ BREAK IS OVER” it was undoubtedly the producer of the show. He looked quite like a fish and on the sets, a shark just ready to catch its prey. “Come back now, we are he screamed “and…LIGHTS…CAMERA…ACTION.”

“You can’t leave, not now, please at least think of your wife and children” was the first line in of the last scene of a serial which continued like an endless saga. “You can’t leave” the actress recited again. She seemed to be young, but on-screen she had to play an old woman who had just woken up to find that her son was leaving the family. Even though she had just gotten up, she was loaded with ornate jewellery, even her make up looked flawless, and on top of that, the sari she was wearing was perfect. Shady thought he had found his first prey and he prayed that he would succeed in scaring. He went in front of her and went “bhow”, and, he began twisting his mouth into different shapes, it looked more like he was teasing her. To his surprise; she broke down into fake tears. He put on his large teeth, and the mask he had brought with him. She said “you can’t do this to me”. He got a little scared at the lady’s odd reactions. So he thought he would turn to the actor. As soon as he turned he heard the background score “dhdang dhdang dhdang” ending with the ruff strumming of one chord on the sitar. He got a little disoriented by the loud music, he quickly went off the set, (because he was scared of them) after a few minutes he mustered some strength and went in front of the actor and he said “bhow, aaaaaaaa” but the actor repeated “ whatever you may do, I am not going to get scared”. He let out a little scream and flew for the door. And as soon as he opened the door, there stood this vampish lady, she wore a bright, flashy designer outfit, complimented with a boy cut and loads of jeweler. “Why are you in such a hurry, beta (son)” she said, she smirked a little evil smile. Her lines were followed by another ten second of the bass oriented background music and this time, it had a little chant in it too. Shady covered his ears with his hands, bewildered, he said to the lady in front of him “who, me, you, who, no, them”. He dropped his mask and teeth, and went out of the door screaming “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”

He flew as fast as he ever could. “ What scary people, what vampish women ” he shouted, “ if I had known they were like this, I would have never gone” “if true crime is like this, I will give up crime for good, for ever,” “first thing I’ll do is return Don’s money and then I will go to a monastery and live a life of virtue” he was not only shocked, but scared beyond belief. The thing he had experienced was true crime, he was overwhelmed by fear. Even as he was miles away from the studio, he could hear the constant background score playing and this time a more vile and louder one.

He made a pit stop at his grave and took the suitcase full of money Don had given him. He flew to the top of the hill, where Don’s ‘heritage’ house stood. Without knocking on the door, hunter just flew in to find Don was having his pre-dinner meal with his beloved grandmother. His plate contained some eeky green paste, accompanied by a red colour drink. Hunter heard Don say to his grandmother when asked were he had ordered this unbearable heap of so-called ‘food’, “Ohh, no grandma, I just stole it from some school canteen”. Hunter without wasting a moment went to Don and slammed the briefcase on the table. Hunter took Don by surprise “ what is this, eh?” said Don who seemed to be surprisingly in a good mood. “Nothing it’s just that, I AM LEAVING CRIME FOREVER, SPECIALLY CRIME WHICH INCLUDES SCARING SOAP ACTORS! AND THEN I WILL RETIRE TO THE HIMALAYAS, FOR GOOD!” said hunter letting out all his fear, all in one go. “What! You’re going to the Himalayas to become a sage?” said Don a little bewildered “ what sad thing to do”. “NO! I just hope there is no television there.