woes of- THE LITTLE MASTER!

…..This article is, and will always be, dedicated to the wonder boy-THE LITTLE MASTER!!! You are the sole inspiration behind this write up. Life (and that includes ward 6) would never be the same without you, my houseman-the great one!!! With the sheer burden over your shoulders, and a registrar like me by your side, only one word sums up the entire situation-SAD(Seriously Awesome..Duh)!! So today when I saw you, head over heels on the patient’s file, eyes wide shut and and your clenched fists grasping the pen(..wish it was my neck, instead!) doing the CTall at ten, I felt guilty. My conscience told me that I should help you in this predicament and, thus, I thought of this article. The next few lines will give you enough ideas to strengthen your repertoire, and should see you through these tough times!!
If I am right, your day begins at 7am with the ward round, followed by the bosses round, then the calls, collections, dressings, minor OT, or OT, evening round, ct alls, and then the much needed sleep!( as you see I ve not included your extra-curriculars like afternoon siesta, long chats on the phone, and dinner with her!!) Now at the end of the day, suddenly, it dawns upon you that most of the work is incomplete and you are sure that crucification is certain the next morning. So what do you do… Simply read the rest of the article and all will be fine!
So lets begin with the excuses that have been rated as the best as they have stood the test of time-

*excuses for not waking up on time*
-sir, I had set up an alarm at 6am. And then, unfortunately, my cell got discharged at 5am and it didnt sound, therefore…. (look sad when you say this!). Else say that it snoozed once and stopped on its own and you were going to get up after the second snooze, for sure! (avoid that sheepish grin when you say this!)
-sir, I was working on the bad patient in the ward till dawn and then fell asleep. Even I did not know when! Else say that the sister kept on waking you up every hour for a patient s iv line/ irritable alcoholic in withdrawl / rowdy head injury fellow/ opposite unit’s serious patient as their houseman was not traceable….
-sir, my girl next door, had a bad day at office..really..very bad day. And my heart went out to her(..so humane and kind)..so I counselled her overnight(..and we all know that morale support at this hour of the day does strengthen relationships..level of evidence 4!) and in doing so forgot to catch up with the much needed sleep.
-sir, I had uninterrupted sessions of loose motions at night, slept intermittently and uncomfortably over the pan ( can mention that you even fell down into it once…does highlight the seriousness of your condition!!), then the mama lifted me up and put me on the bed. I was feeling very weak and could not wake up on time!
-sir, I was forcibly taken (..by aliens?!) to Hard Rock Café y’day night and was made to drink tequila and then I just don’t remember what happened (..use this when you know that your registrar has seen the movie-the hangover) and so you see.. I forgot everything, including the excuse which I had made up for ya!

*excuses for not taking/completing your ward round*
-sir, I took the rounds. But I was not completely oriented in time, place and person. Therefore, by mistake I took rounds of all the patients, but, of the opposite unit!! Oh no..boo hoo! And then when I asked Manish to reciprocate, he denied to take rounds of our patients!!
-sir, there was a small misunderstanding with my co. I was under the impression that she had taken the female ward rounds. And coincidentally she thought likewise (..see how similar our thoughts are!) and we both ended up taking the male ward rounds!
-sir, halfway through the round I got a SOS call that she (..could be your Co, or the SNDT student, or the sweet lil thing by the patient s side whom you were eyeing for so long!) was down with severe abdominal pain. I rushed to her rescue, resuscitated her, sent an urgent gynaec call (..could not get it attended as usual),nursed her back to good health; and in the process couldn’t complete the round!
-sir, this patient is ours??!!! I had no idea, oh no! (look surprised, astonished and flabbergasted..let the jaw drop by a few inches! The ‘sheepish look’ is tailor made for this situation, so use it to the maximum!!!)[repeat this for every third patient whose rounds are missing..continue in a similar manner, till your reg throws you out. Then say sorry..and..ahoy! you have an early off call today!]
-sir, you had said that you would come at 9am. So I started late. And then you turned up at 8am, instead. Not fair….

*excuses for calls not sent/noted/attended*
-sir, I sent the call. But , unfortunately, to the wrong unit! Else say that you had sent it with the patients relative and he got lost/abducted/hijacked on the way and so it was not noted!
-sir, the call was sent before 4pm(or 11am if on a Sunday) but the on call registrar’s watch was already ahead by ten mins and,thus, he wrote- kindly send a routine call coming morning!
-sir, I called up the on-call reg. he said he ll come but didn’t turn up. He broke the trust which I had entrusted him with! (if you have seen movies of dilip kumar, you would exactly know how to sound sentimental when saying this..) else say that his phone kept playing-‘tum mile’ but no one picked up and now you know the song by heart, thanks to your persistence!...or simply say that when he came, the patient was not in bed and therefore an opinion was not possible!!
-sir, (with a astonished look) I thought you said an ENT call for this patient. Err, I didn’t know that I had to sent a Neurosurgery call. Ab kya karoon… (..wake up SID!)

*excuses for investigations( blood inv/ xray/ecg/any other) not available*
-sir, I sent all the samples. Then I realized that today the lab is closed! Else you could say that the machine was not working today and hence, no reports!
-sir, I did the collection and kept it on the window sill. Suddenly a crow swooped down from nowhere ( ref-harry potter/Narnia/LOTR/Indiana jones) and took that bottle away!! ( this was actually told to me by my ex houseman HBT..and I couldn’t help but smile!!!)[when you use this excuse, remember not to use the following- archeopteryx(now extinct), kite(not found in the indian subcontinent; eagles are!), sparrow( not strong enough to carry the bottle), garuda(again a mythical creature)]
-sir, I told the intern about Panduranga’s collection, and she sent it too, but of the other Panduranga in the ward! (..comedy of errors, you see!!)
-sir, I sent the relative to pay for the CT Scan and he just disappeared into thin air! Else say that when the relative arrived the trolley wasn’t there…and when the trolley was available, oxygen cylinder wasn’t there...and when everything was in place…the servant wasn’t there…and when the patient was, finally, placed on the scanner, the CT machine conked off!!
-sir, I had sent him for a chest x ray as advised by you..but..this film shows only the costophrenic angle and the whole of abdomen!...why so sir??!!! You can also use a similar excuse and say that the patient was sent for a Right lower limb Venous Doppler but the radiologist did it for his left leg, for reasons best known to him!!

*excuses for not doing the dressings*
-sir, there were no gauze/ bandages available in wd 5/6/7/8/ESR/SICU…..wish I knew that before I opened all the wounds!!
-sir, I just missed out on this one. The abdominal binder concealed the dressing and I had no idea that a wound check was done for him.
-sir, I thought we were doing an alternate day dressing for him..oh no!!
-sir, I thought that the green colour on the gauze was Acriflavin. Didn’t know that it was Pseudomonas. And couldn’t smell it due to nasal congestion!! I have to take cetrizine and otrivin drops now, high time! (Stamp your foot in annoyance and then say sorry!!)
-sir, the physiotherapists usually do his dressing after ozone therapy. Looks like they had a change in the mood today!! I was banking on them..ditchers!!

*excuses for not doing the CTall at night*
-sir, I dunno what happens to me while doing it! After I begin, just after a while and again towards the end(..not to mention in the midst, too..) I feel very sleepy! ( this happens to be my housie’s fav excuse, I hear it everyday…)[actually, one of you, UG students could take this as a topic of research- why the little master sleeps from 10pm onwards while doing the ctall but NEVER while watching a movie at PVR from 10pm to 1am!!!]
-sir, when I was doing the ctall, this patient’s file was missing!! ( simple reasoning which often works!!)
-sir, I was repeatedly dozing off on the table. The sister told me to sleep and assured me that she would wake me up after 15 mins. But, she didn’t!! And now I have to bear the brunt of her mistake!!
-sir, I did all the double ctalls and kept it in the sideroom. The servant thought that it was thrash and dumped it in the bin. [One housie said that someone had opened the cupboard at night and had stolen only the ctalls ( leaving behind all those expensive suture materials and liga clips!! logistics, anyone!)]

And to end it all, here’s a list of all the places you could disappear to and catch a nap during your emerg with your registrar running helter skelter, frantically looking for you-
-EMS USG room
-Gents changing room( when your reg is a lady, this is the best place to hide!!)
-Servants locker room in the EMS OT
-beneath the autoclave in the boiler room in EMS OT
-E Lab
-CT complex( first floor), side room.

…….So that’s where I put the pen down, hold my breath and make a wish-
I wish that the little master benefits out of this manuscript and I wish him good times ahead!!!!