INTERNal affairs....!!!

……….. As a first year resident in surgery,I really had an eventful time. I had many a wonderful astonishing , matchless and unique experience' ,the biggest chunk of which ,I would like to share in this article.


In this one year, I dealt with more people than I ever had…Reggies, Students, Nurses, Mamas n Kakas n Patients, and of course the salvation of housemen all over….Interns!
It is prudent , therefore, that I devote this article to my sweet lil’ interns as a fond remembrance of their deeds and at times misdeeds(read as …missed deeds?)!!

As a budding intern I strongly recommend that you must read this piece of mindless write up before u start on this new journey….


..So lets begin…..
The next few lines will sum up one of the basic axioms of internship- 'Excuses to bunk !'


We always begin with the classical one-‘Migraine’.
Migraine is a disease condition that can precipitate at any time as a bolt from the blue. It can be self induced at any time during your internship. You might have a date with him today or the IPL final may be on your watch-list or simply u may intend to spend the day with your books… in such cases all you have to do is close your eyes, think n believe in yourself…and migraine will be all yours!! You are now immune to any terror attacks(..read as phone calls) of your houseman. Silently pick up your phone n sms him about this acutely acquired condition and the rest of the day is all yours!!!

Next on the list is-‘Inability to secure the blood vessel for the purpose of collection.’
Blood collection is obviously an interns' nightmare…invariably you are handed over a long list of collections’, as a greeting ,every morning by your divine tormentor. You find yourselves at Rome as you have no idea who and where the patients are. After you have done Pandurang’s collection you realize that there are four Pandurangs’ on your side!! You are in a fix!!
Also the ABG that you ve collected keeps showing up as VBG for no fault of yours…machine problem, you need not worry!!
Under such a circumstance, the best thing to do is to be broad-minded. Fire every possible vessel, that you can lay your hands on.. Then hand over the syringe to your beloved and explain him the genuine problem. Repeat this procedure for the next few days and soon it will reap rewards. You will soon see the regression in the collection list !! You can mobilize neck lines and jugulars for the registrar by firing all the median cubitals and basilics…or let your beloved spend half an hour doin the cutdown. Who cares..you have done your job!

If you are third time lucky, the next weapon is- ‘your Mobile.’
Manage your mobile settings in an intelligent way, and you can successfully evade your darling. The ideal point is reached when your mobile constantly sounds engaged whenever your darling tries to reach you. A step less perfect would be your cell operators stating that you are not reachable. In dire circumstances you can resort to the fact that your cell had got discharged at the eventful moment…

During the rainy season there can be no better an excuse than –‘Floods!’
It could be flooding of the tracks, roads, rivulets, rivers or simply flooding of your residential colony. Let your imagination run wild and cook up an astounding story that would demonstrate the fact that you were stranded on an island without the knight in shining armour to rescue you and transport you to the ward-your cherished place of work. You tried all the possible means including informing ‘bout the worst case scenario ..but even the phone wouldn’t respond!!


Another good thing to do during your internship is to get-‘ Married!’
Whoa..don’t break my bones, I’m not saying that you have to get married…all you have to do is to fake one. A confident fekko can earn you great laurels, at least a fortnight off…


The next key word is- ‘Registration’.
Use your innovative skills to the maximum….you can skip work by saying that today you have to get your MMC registration done..tomorrow it could be your Visa ..and your MLE/PLAB registration the next day.
Now that you have got the day off, spend it wisely! You can easily complete your Orkut/Facebook registration and complete your profile in its entirety!!!


The next one is strictly for the ladies..its called- ‘Mittelschmerz!!’
Not even the Prof can deny you a leave when you are under such great pain and suffering. Always use this excuse with a humane touch….and lo….you have a vacation for 5 days to say the least ! You can go to Nashik, Latur, Kolhapur, Pune or fly to Delhi and come back during this period.
Sadly, guys cannot avail of this benefit…tsk.tsk… no wonder they call us the unfortunate ones!!!


Another absolute excuse would be-‘Medical advise to take rest.’
If you have completed your Medicine posting, and if the houseman/ reggie was one amongst your admirers then give him this 'one' chance to help you. On a case paper ask him to mention the following golden lines-
H/o cough n cold/ evening rise of temp/loss of wt since 15-20 days
Get the CXR reported as b/l hilar opacities.. Impression-PTB.
Mission accomplished!
Another good option is to prick yourself with a sterile needle under all aseptic precautions, while standing over the bed of the seropositive pt in the ward, implying that it happened while you were doing his collection. Rush outside the ward. Come back after a while, and declare that you have been started on ART. You don’t come to the ward for the next fortnight, but do call up your beloved and state that you have severe gastritis and nausea with a hint of myalgia. (Be a good ARTiste and ART syndrome is all yours!)


The last amongst the unending list of excuses…always works!!(I ‘d better stop here, because I fear that the list would consume the entire Gosumag otherwise..!!!) It is- ‘Feigning a relative’s illness.’
One of my sweeties', not only told me about her dad’s operation, but also took all the suture materials, and antibiotics for the surgery. It turned out to be a hoax. Too bad. Personally I do not subscribe to this one(..not that I subscribe to the others stated before..!!) because I feel it is ethically wrong to do so. However under dire circumstances, when nothing else works.. this would and therefore, I mention it, the last.

That brings me to the end of this editorial (nope ,this is not an expose…come on!!). I will always remain indebted to my interns (oops..sweeties i.e) who provided me with the inspiration to write this article.

I express gratitude to my intern who had dutifully written all the reasons to bunk internship and had handed it over to me when I expressed my desire to write on this topic. Thanks Sweetie, for this is truly an article of you...for you…and by you…everything, sans, the democratic way…!!!!

Note- None of the excuses mentioned above are copyrighted. You may use them as you please. They can be clubbed together with supra additive effects. Also individual ingenuity can make this a lot more useful than it seems, otherwise. As you tread upon this journey , wish you all the best….Hmnnn, faint memories tell me that I did the just the same, an year ago!!!!